Left Alone
by Senket
Summary: After Kaoru snaps, Hikaru is left wondering where everything went wrong. [psychoKaoru, drug abuse, character death, severe OOC caused by heartbreak or whatever you want it to be, Hikaru POV, postseries]


NOTES: It's because of episode 21. And I swear to god I should never be left alone with my thoughts…

WARNINGS: Dark, depressing… its about what happens when you keep things in too long and you snap, so—obviously, said snapping isn't going to be pretty.

Angst, character death.

Hikaru treaded through the halls slowly, steps soundless against the walkway. Gold eyes watched the ground blankly. His fingers curled around his bag loosely, and it jangled again his leg as he walked. He looked defeated, shoulders hunched, feet dragging.

He heard someone call out to him _"Hikaru-kun! Are you alright?"_ but found he did not have the strength to reply. He sighed, wondering how long it would take for his headache to go away.

The Host Club had disbanded last year, after the Lord had graduated. But Hikaru and Kaoru had stopped being part of the club before then. It had happened at some point towards the end of junior year, when things had… changed.

He still didn't understand what had happened completely. One day, Kaoru had just- turned violent. He felt, looking back at it, like that was the end of his life. Everything had been torn apart since then.

They had just been going about club activities- at the time, Tamaki and both of them were being defensive over Haruhi, as usual. And he said something- he didn't even remember what it was, and suddenly he had felt a heavy weight inside him, and the bizarre feeling that something had just broken. Seeking reassurance, he turned his head ever so slightly to look at his brother- and that's when Kaoru slammed his fist into the wall, cracking some plaster. His hair had been in his face, expression indiscernible.

Hikaru stared at him in shock, drawing the fist towards him, fingers grazing the torn skin on his younger sibling's knuckles.

From that day on, Kaoru had slowly started to change, and then it had spiraled downwards increasingly quickly. He started breaking things, shouting, glaring at everyone- even Hikaru.

Kaoru had always been the more responsible, grown up twin. Now he seemed to be nothing beyond wounded and angry.

The twins were easy to tell apart, now. Hikaru looked the same than he had during freshman year, though his features had matured.

Kaoru had cut his hair short. Hikaru had been there, in the doorway, watching the boy slice away at the strands with a knife violently, unable to move. He had eventually stopped wearing the school uniform. Sometimes he wouldn't show up to class for days at a time. He got in fights constantly for no evident reason.

At first he had always lost, since the Hitachiin had never been trained in any sort of fighting technique. At some point he had begun to win, and he fought dirty.

He would scream about things no one understood the root of, dark and hateful.

Hikaru had become more and more lonely as his brother stopped talking to him. He had persisted in showing up at the host club for a while, but without his brother his usual visitors stopped. His new customers had been there for the angst, but he didn't want to deal with them anymore. It wasn't any fun. He had stopped showing up altogether.

Once, he and Kaoru had been almost one. They had been beyond ending each other's sentences- they could speak in perfect chorus. Now, he couldn't begin to fathom what went on in the younger Hitachiin's mind.

He had thought it was bad _then._ It had gotten worse since.

Hikaru only really saw Kaoru in class. The redhead would leave, wander off without telling anyone where he was. And when he was home, he would just sleep- never talk to anyone, never look at anyone.

Recently, Hikaru had gotten desperate enough to start through Kaoru's things.

He had been terrified when he first found the needles. He told no one about them, but he had cried that night, a sick feeling spreading through his stomach.

Sometimes he caught glimpses of his brother at home, still awake. But he was strange then, terrifying, eyes dilated with a sickly laugh hollow in his throat.

He felt now like his entire life was a race to fix whatever he had broken before Kaoru ended his destructive path, and that he was losing- badly.

He had left school, and shot home, stumbling into the bedroom to find a darkly-dressed, severely short-haired Kaoru. The young man of course wore long sleeves to cover track marks, thick smears of kohl around his eyes to hide the dark bags there. One was rolled up, needle already in his hand at a ready.

He looked at his older sibling with a sort of cold contempt, and Hikaru dashed forward, stealing it away.

He knelt in front of his brother, the cold look sending shivers through him as he forced the tears back and swallowed the lump in his throat. "Kaoru. Kaoru. What happened between us? Kaoru! Why are you doing this?"

Kaoru's eyes narrowed, and there was a deep hurt there. "_Like it's any of your business anymo-"_

"How can you say that! Anything that you do is my business! We'll _always_ be together!"

"**LIAR!**" He screamed, throwing him off. Hikaru cried off, surprised by his twin's strength as he was thrown back, hitting the wall with a sickening thud. Kaoru stood abruptly, a dark fear in his eyes before they turned to a dangerous hatred and he ran away.

Hikaru left their home, sullenly making his way to Haruhi's small apartment. It wasn't the first time, nor would it be the last. She listened to him quietly, gave him a place to rest, as she always did. He didn't know anymore.

The next morning at school- luckily, Kaoru was present- Hikaru tried to confront him again, with Haruhi as backup.

"Kaoru, I just don't understand anymore…"

"Shut up."

His fists clenched at his side, head dropping. Haruhi looked put off, glaring at Kaoru. "Look. Kaoru. Don't treat your brother like that, he's only worried about y-"

"_I hate you two more than anyone_" he informed them venomously, before stalking away.

It was the last thing they would hear from him.

Kaoru, upon leaving the school in upset turmoil, took some of his delirious miracle drug to make himself feel better, and as a direct result lost control of his motor functions and got hit by a car.

The funeral was a horrendous thing, filled with people who barely remembered who he was anyway, present only for the sake of ties to the Hitachiin family. Only Hikaru cared, and the host club that had shown up to support him, though they had long graduated.

"What did I do?" he hiccupped weakly, pressing his fingers against the stone. "What did I do to cause this? How did this happen?" He choked, sobbing. "How could I fix this? What went wrong?"

"Hikaru…" the blond Suoh tried softly, reaching out for his shoulder. "None of this was your fault…"

"No! _All_ of this was my fault!"

"Hika-chan…" Huni's voice was timid and wobbly. "Kaoru wouldn't have wanted you to be sad."

"You're wrong," he hissed darkly. "He wanted me to suffer like- like _he _suffered."

"Hikaru…"

"_Don't_. Don't even. I don't want to hear it anymore… I just want to know why. Why- _why_ was he so angry, why did he have to start pulling away from me, _why_?"

Kyouya had never been one to say something just because it was the nicest thing to do. He knew this would hurt the boy, but… it had to be said. For his sake. So he could understand. "Hikaru. To be fair, you were the one that started to pull away first."

He paused, turning around slowly. Wide eyes stared at Kyouya, and then shifted slowly to Haruhi. And Kaoru's last words said… _everything_.

Hikaru stumbled back, hitting the thick marble slab and sliding down to hit ground, he cradled his head in his hands, sobbing brokenly. "Oh god… oh god oh _god,_ how did I… how did I miss- this, oh my god…"

Haruhi kneeled by him, trying to soothe the teenager- she glared sharply at Kyouya.

"Only those than understand and are understood can heal," he told her quietly, stepping back. "Tamaki, it's time for us to go."

"But- but _Kyouya_!"

"It's best we leave them alone now. Come along."

Hikaru shuddered, too indrawn to note the receding footsteps, or the sound of the other hosts' cars starting and departing. Haruhi drew him against her and he leaned against her thin form heavily. He loved her, but she was not a replacement.

He wanted to see Kaoru's smile again.

And a mirror just wasn't enough.


End file.
